funny quotes free

Tuesday 28 August 2012

Free Funnys Quote

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Free Funny Quotes Biography

Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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12h Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
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14h Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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16h Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
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19h Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
Death is hereditary.
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21h Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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22h Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
My life has been a "rags to slightly better rags" story. RT @IGotsSmarts
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23h Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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26 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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26 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
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26 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
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26 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
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26 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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26 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
A bathroom tile salesman's pitch should be "This tile will look great in the background of your facebook pics" R..
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26 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
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25 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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25 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
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25 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
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25 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
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25 Aug Free Funny Quotes ‏@FreeFunnyQuotes
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
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Funny Quotes To Live By

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Funny Quotes To Live By Biography

How life is funny and other assorted quotes...
I'd like to share some of my favorite quotes about life, the beauty and brilliance and absurdity of it all....

In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back….. Charlie Brown

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.--- George Carlin

No one is listening until you fart. ~Author Unknown

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.--George Carlin

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. --- Abraham Lincoln

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat -----Lily Tomlin

Don’t look back, somebody might be gaining on you --- Satchel Paige

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred…..Woody Allen

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. ~Author Unknown

Don't let someone be a priority in your life when you are still an option in their life…unknown

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.....George Carlin

Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, you’ll be right… unknown

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. ~Murphy's Law

People who snore always fall asleep first. ~Author Unknown

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.--- Robert Frost

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.-- Will Rogers

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."…. Charles M Schulz

I think I've discovered the secret of life -you just hang around until you get used to it .--Charles M Schulz
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think... George Carlin
I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully, in his sleep. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.--- unknown
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.-- Mark Twain
Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.----Jack Buck
Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.---Swedish Proverb

Funny Quotes To Live By

Funny Parenting Quotes To Live By

Wednesday 15 August 2012

Daily Funny Quotes

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Daily Funny Quotes Biography

“There is properly no history; only biography”

Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes (American Poet, Lecturer and Essayist, 1803-1882)

Similar Quotes. About: Biography quotes.

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“The best biographies leave their readers with a sense of having all but entered into a second life and of having come to know another human being in some ways better than he knew himself.”

Mary Cable quotes

About: Biography quotes.

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“Biography lends to death a new terror.”

Oscar Wilde quotes (Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900)

Similar Quotes. About: Biography quotes, Death quotes.

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“Biography is the only true history”

Thomas Carlyle quotes (Scottish Historian and Essayist, leading figure in the Victorian era. 1795-1881)

About: History quotes, Biography quotes.

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“"Reading history is good for all of us," he says, not surprisingly, perhaps, but his rationale is a fresh, somewhat bracing thought: "If you know history, you know that there is no such thing as a self-made man or self-made woman. We are shaped by people we have never met. Yes, reading history will make you a better citizen and more appreciative of the law, and of freedom, and of how the economy works or doesn't work, but it is also an immense pleasure—the way art is, or music is, or poetry is. And it's never stale."”

dragonswizardz

David C. McCullough quotes (American author b.1933)

Similar Quotes. About: Literature quotes, Reading quotes, History quotes, Biography quotes, Books quotes.

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“Once the implicit aim of biography was to uplift now it is to unveil.”

Mark Feeney quotes

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“But for a few phrases from his letters and an odd line or two of his verse, the poet walks gagged through his own biography.”

John Updike quotes (American writer, b.1932)

About: Poetry quotes, Biography quotes.

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“Benito Mussolini is being put through the grinder of a television biography and the result resembles Italian sausage-of the spicy variety.”

About: Communism quotes, Biography quotes.

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Awesome Funny Quotes

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Awesome Funny Quotes Biography

In 140 characters or less describe who you are, what you do, and why I should care.That is the sizable task the twitter bio demands and below are 30 Awesome examples of how to rise to the challenge and write something that demands attention.I’ve compiled a list of 20 twitter bios that make me laugh and make me want to read more. Note; you will not find any self promotional how to market your business advice in the following list (and that’s exactly the point) these are all about expanding your personal brand with ashort quip that makes people want a relationship with you regardless of business intent (much stronger foundation that the transactional perspective of building value based solely on what you can do/ provide/ sell)

1. Calvin Lee @MayhemStudios

Self-Proclaimed Media Ho, Designer Guy and Twitter Addict. In his spare time, Stunt Doubles for the Hulk and a really Nice Guy! You can even ask Chris Brogan

2. Lolly Daskal @Lollydaskal

Speaker|Author|Motivator| Passionate about Inspiring & Empowering others to become their best Successful Self by Leading From Within

3. Guy Kawasaki @guykawasaki

Firehose that answers the question: What’s interesting? Co-founder of Alltop.

4. Lifehacker @Lifehacker

Don’t live to geek; geek to live.5. Lindsay Heller @TheCigarChick

YC’s only female tobacconist bringing you all the info on the biz & my love of music, scholarship, wine, food, all things Italian & Latin American.

6. Amber Osbourne @missdestructo

Destroyer of Social Media Boredom. Blue Haired Blogger.

7. Graham “Logo” Smith@imjustcreative

Logo & identity designer for hire. Creating clean and unique logos, identities and rebrands. Iconic, typographic and minimalist tendencies. 25 years experience.

8. Ryan Penagos @Agent_M

Editor of Marvel.com. Writer, blogger, lover of tacos, tattoos, comics, video games, pop culture and cute stuff. See also: @Marvel and marvel.com/blogs/Agent_M

9. Natasha Wescoat @natasha

Artist/Synaesthetic. Blog: @artcandytv. Comic writer/artist for @Mashable. Batman lover. Horror fiend. Former musician. Meta

10. Steffanie Cameron @smuttysteff

I tweet hard, fast, & often. I’m opinionated & swear CONSTANTLY. Don’t like it? Don’t follow. Otherwise: You’ll take it & like it.

11. Delana Burnett @dee_burnett

A rocker chick obsessed with all things rock & outlaw country; a HUGE Razorback fan; a business woman who busts her butt to support her concert habit!!!

12. Tiny Buddha @tinybuddha

The Tiny Buddha brings you quotes from the wise! Simple wisdom for complex lives. facebook.com/tinybuddha

13. Gary Vaynerchuk @garyvee

Wine guy, host of Wine Library TV. Video blogger and Businessman that loves people and the hustle

14. Alex Hunter @cubedweller

Brand igniter, angel investor, public speaker, former Virgin.

15. Crystal Jackson @cryjack

Fight stupidization.

16. Katie Rose @katefeetie

You know the burnt-out college student in front of you in line at Target who was intermittently chuckling to herself? Nice to meet you, too.

17. Dr. Kiki Sanford @drkiki

Science ninjas unite!

18. Gina @sugaredmagnolia

Food activist, lover of white precipitation & K2 skis, owner of mad kitchen skills, runs organic, fair-trade bakery. It’s all blogged at ginabegin.com

19. Wandering Biker @wanderingbiker

Unemployed computer guy takes off on his motorcycle seeking fame, fortune and adventure.

20. Alana Joy @alanajoy

I’ve come here to chew bubblegum & kick ass & I’m all out of bubblegum. • a muse: amused • media misfit, marketing mastermind • host • blogger • sarcatalyst •

hope you’re inspired full of ideas just please don’t put the title on your bsuiness card on ur twitter bio, ultimate snoozefest.

Have some fun with it make me want to know you. You can do it!. If you’ve found any great twitter bios I missed post them ion the comments below!

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Best Funny Quotes Biography

As a child, I read science fiction, but from the very beginnings of my reading for pleasure, I read a lot of non-fictional history, particularly historical biography.
Norman Spinrad

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
Mark Twain

Biography - a system in which the contradictions of a human life are unified.
Jose Ortega Y Gasset

Biography can be the most middle-class of all forms, the judgment of little people avenging themselves on the great.
Edmund White

Biography is a very definite region bounded on the north by history, on the south by fiction, on the east by obituary, and on the west by tedium.
Philip Guedalla

Biography is one of the new terrors of death.
John Arbuthnot

Biography lends to death a new terror.
Oscar Wilde

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Biography should be written by an acute enemy.
Arthur Balfour

Biography, like big game hunting, is one of the recognized forms of sport, and it is as unfair as only sport can be.
Philip Guedalla

But for a few phrases from his letters and an odd line or two of his verse, the poet walks gagged through his own biography.
John Updike

Discretion is not the better part of biography.
Lytton Strachey

Even if you only want to write science fiction, you should also read mysteries, poetry, mainstream literature, history, biography, philosophy, and science.
Walter Jon Williams

For one who reads, there is no limit to the number of lives that may be lived, for fiction, biography, and history offer an inexhaustible number of lives in many parts of the world, in all periods of time.
Louis L'Amour

Geography is about maps, but biography is about chaps.
Eric Bentley

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/biography.html#mzAOIJrKfJyTECRH.99

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Very Funny Quotes

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Very Funny Quotes Biography
After a certain number of years, our faces become our biographies.
Cynthia Ozick

At the Sex Institute in Bloomington, Indiana, they were a phenomenal help, too. We went out there for a few days, and they gave us access to materials. And the biographies, there are four or five, ranging from very poor to excellent.
Liam Neeson

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
Mark Twain

Great geniuses have the shortest biographies.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't think of my books as being biographies. I never had any interest in doing a book just to write the life of a great man. I had zero interest in that. My interest is in power. How power works.
Robert Caro

I hate biographies which say, I was called to such and such an office, and he offered me so and so, and I got so and so money. I find that very tedious. The best biographies are written by other people.
Leslie Caron

I like contemporary American literature and I like biographies and I like jazz and I like baseball and I like writers who write about the human condition and sci-fi is just something that I happened into.
Jonathan Frakes

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I very rarely read any fiction. I love biographies; I read about all kinds of people. I love theology and some philosophy.
Al Sharpton

I've always had an abundance of material about the subjects of my biographies.
Walter Isaacson

It can be a long gap between the emergence of fully researched historical biographies.
Antonia Fraser

My reading is always about musical biographies. I have an innate interest and passion for that.
Nina Blackwood

On the other hand, when I give it closer thought, I realize I'm not enough of a dictator to conduct an orchestra because it requires a pretty awful person. When you read these biographies of famous conductors, they are all awful people who fail in their private relationships.
Eberhard Weber

Once you touch the biographies of human beings, the notion that political beliefs are logically determined collapses like a pricked balloon.
Walter Lippmann

Some of those drawn into the holy war had been secular nationalists only a few years before. If one looks at the biographies of these people, remarkable continuities are revealed.
Jurgen Habermas

That was par for the course but I also found that commissions were being canceled and in fact I considered this directly libelous - I write biographies for a living as well as being a journalist - for a non fiction book to be called fiction from beginning to end.
Anthony Holden

The best interviews like the best biographies should sing the strangeness and variety of the human race.
Lynn Barber

The biographies and autobiographies are on the whole more impressive than the fiction of the last two decades, but the freakish best sellers among them are least likely to withstand the test of time.
Harold Acton

The immense majority of human biographies are a gray transit between domestic spasm and oblivion.
George Steiner

There are biographies, I looked at a lot of photographs of him, I heard his voice over and over and over again. You get in there and get to know the man by all of those pieces of information.
David Strathairn

There's been a number of erroneous biographies, articles and so on written about Billy and we both thought it would be a good idea to produce a true one.
Pamela Stephenson

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/biographies.html#RSLbB8ipyjU8PoqC.99

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Funny Quotes About Men

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Funny Quotes About Men Biography
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
- Edgar Allen Poe
Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.
It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”
Your school GPA is inversely proportional to your girlfriend’s looks and vice versa.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
There is a light at the end of every tunnel….just pray it’s not a train!.
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henry Youngman
I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.
I would take a bomb, but I can’t stand the noise.
- Joe E. Lewis
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
- Golda Meir
I’m knot a blonde! I’m knot, I’m knot, I’m knot!
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I’ve got problem for your solution…
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
- Jerry Seinfeld
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.
I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.
- Lauren Myracle
All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
- Gracie Allen
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?

Funny Quotes About Men